Take to the sky

This house is like Russia
With eyes cold and grey
You got me moving in a circle
I dyed my hair red today
I just want a little passion
To hold me in the dark
I know I’ve got some magic
Buried deep in my heart yeah

-Tori Amos, Take to the Sky

Sometimes you find inspiration and peace in the last place you look.

Flipping through my mp3 player while lying in bed relaxing before sleep, I came across this Tori Amos song.  I’m a fan of hers, and this has always been one of my favourite songs.  That night, the first verse really spoke to me.  I’ve listened to it over and over for the last few days.

I have always been at war with the physical.  I’ve wanted to transcend it, to become a being that wasn’t dependent upon the physical plane.  Eating, sleeping, all those ordinary things of day to day life – they’re mundane and, quite frankly, boring.  I didn’t want that.

I have, perhaps as a consequence, never been at home in my body.  It’s always been an enemy.  Probably a very strange thing for someone who has always felt close to the divine feminine, but there it is.  I’ve spent years trying to work through the issues I have with my body.

And I feel like I might finally be getting there.  I looked in the mirror yesterday and for the first time in forever, I felt like I could see what was really there (as opposed to something tainted by dysmorphia).  I want to dance, to celebrate this body.

I know I’ve got some magic, and today it’s not buried so deeply in my heart.