Take to the sky

This house is like Russia
With eyes cold and grey
You got me moving in a circle
I dyed my hair red today
I just want a little passion
To hold me in the dark
I know I’ve got some magic
Buried deep in my heart yeah

-Tori Amos, Take to the Sky

Sometimes you find inspiration and peace in the last place you look.

Flipping through my mp3 player while lying in bed relaxing before sleep, I came across this Tori Amos song.  I’m a fan of hers, and this has always been one of my favourite songs.  That night, the first verse really spoke to me.  I’ve listened to it over and over for the last few days.

I have always been at war with the physical.  I’ve wanted to transcend it, to become a being that wasn’t dependent upon the physical plane.  Eating, sleeping, all those ordinary things of day to day life - they’re mundane and, quite frankly, boring.  I didn’t want that.

I have, perhaps as a consequence, never been at home in my body.  It’s always been an enemy.  Probably a very strange thing for someone who has always felt close to the divine feminine, but there it is.  I’ve spent years trying to work through the issues I have with my body.

And I feel like I might finally be getting there.  I looked in the mirror yesterday and for the first time in forever, I felt like I could see what was really there (as opposed to something tainted by dysmorphia).  I want to dance, to celebrate this body.

I know I’ve got some magic, and today it’s not buried so deeply in my heart.

New Moon in Gemini

This new moon has been a very calm one for me.  Unusual, since many of the new moons this year have been tumultuous for me.

Last night, I spent some time in a kind of meditation/journeying while guided by music.  Sometimes I like silence for meditation, but sometimes I like music.  The music of choice last night was the Tea Party, specifically the album Edges of Twilight.

I was walking in a strange forest that was a mix of the classic English forest and Australian bushland (makes a strange kind of sense, given how those two paths are essentially intersecting in me).  And the Horned God was there.

This seems to be the year for the resurrection of the divine masculine in my life.  I’ve always felt closer to the divine feminine (while at the same time being quite separated from the feminine in terms of my own self) - a need for that motherly presence, I suppose.

This is definitely a time of change and of new beginnings.  It’s going to be interesting.

The beginning of a new age

It’s new moon, a fitting time for quiet and intrspection.  As such, and further to my post from yesterday, I just spent part of my afternoon in meditation.

One of the reasons I adore our house is the sunroom.  Some long-ago owner extended onto the main house, adding a large family room and the sunroom.  The sunroom has a bar, the spa and several potted plants.  It also has a clear perspex roof and large windows.

I sat out there for maybe twenty minutes, the first ten minutes of which I had my eyes closed.  Listening to the faint sounds of music from deeper in the house, the birds that are always calling (there are always birds around here, another thing that I love).  On an aside, a small trampoline makes an excellent seat for meditation.  After a while, my back was aching, so I lay down and just looked up at the sky.

Stillness.

I didn’t pursue any guided meditations or visualisations today.  I just wanted that stillness, the darkness that echoes the dark of the moon.  And it felt right.

Making time

I treat life as though it’s a race.

I have always done so.  I’ve always been on this treadmill running towards some vanishing point on the horizon.  This point was always academia - finishing high school with the best scores I could (graduating second, for which I still feel shame and annoyance at myself), getting my university degree, then honours, then a PhD.

The universe laughed at me, I think, six years ago when I boarded a plane for the US.  Little did I know that would be the last time I would be capable of running full pelt for anything.  I left this country one person and came back someone completely different.  Someone disabled.

I limped through my PhD, forcing myself to complete what many others probably would have given up on.  I went straight from study onto a disability pension.  I haven’t worked a formal job or study since.

And yet I haven’t stopped running.

It doesn’t matter if I only have the strength to limp along, I’m still on that treadmill heading towards that point on the horizon.  Where it really is, I don’t know.  I’m writing, so somewhere in there is publication and all that it entails.

I still want to pursue that, but I am tired of running headlong.

As such, one of the challenges I’m issuing myself is to try to slow down.  To actually meditate properly everyday, rather than just thinking about it (and considering it wasted time when I could be doing something).

It’s not wasted time.  And I do have the benefit of flexibility to take the time to meditate.  Even if it’s five minutes a day.

Slow down.  Relax.  And just be.  And see what happens.

An adage I have lived by

When the student is ready the teacher shall appear.

I’ve lived by that adage all of my life.  And it has always been true.

My teachers have oftentimes not been aware of their role as teacher.  And their lessons have often not been completely known to me until much later on.

All of them have moved into my life, burned brightly, and then moved on.  Several have moved beyond the veils.  But all of them are still with me.

At the time, I needed only transient teachers.  I needed to be able to make my own way.  For the last year or so, I’ve been wanting something more permanent, someone I can walk beside and learn from.  Someone who will stay and guide me to other teachers.  Someone who I can teach as well.

And…I think the teacher may be here.

Books

I still remember the first time I set foot in a store selling pagan books.

I was scared of it at first.  Scared of the type of people who could be in there.  Scared of what they would think of me.

Clearly, I got over that.  And went back again, and again and again.

If I remember correctly, the first pagan book I ever bought was Cunningham’s “Wicca: a Guide for the Solitary Practitioner”.  I still have my copy (as I do all of the pagan books I have bought), with lavender pressed in between the pages.  I remember the first time I sat down and performed a ritual from its pages.  Feeling that magic, that feeling of being something larger than myself.

That’s the heart of what I aim to get from my spirituality.  To be part of something greater than myself.  To know that there is a greater thing that goes on, even when things seem awful.  To know that there is more.

A goal of mine over the next few weeks is to go through my pagan books.  Perhaps I’ll write some mini-reviews here.  Not that there is anything that almost everyone has read.  I feel the need for some new books, actually.  There seems to be many introductory books and few at an intermediate level.  Anyone have any recommendations for non-introductory books?

Changes

It’s been about thirteen years since I first headed down the path of paganism.

A lot has changed in that time.  Ironically, I discovered paganism in my first year at university studying science.  My undergraduate years were spent studying two disparate paths, and yet, at the time, neither of them seemed too different to each other.

Things change.

As I headed into postgraduate study, the two paths began to diverge.  My last year at university, I was also working in a crystal/new age store.  Eventually I read tarot and did animal guide readings there.  I was far more open then to everything, and all of it seemed natural and right.

Between that year and the next, the two paths didn’t even seem to be on the same plane of existence any more.  I went through a devastating relationship breakup, I lost the friendship of the friend I had discovered paganism with.  I dived into science instead.

After a while, the pagan path almost seemed like a dream.  Something stupid I had done when I was younger.  I even began to feel foolish about the readings I had done.  I felt like I had cheated those people out of something, given them false hope.  I felt like I had been a liar.

And yet, I didn’t get rid of any of my books.  My tarot decks stayed packed away, along with my ritual gear.  I could have thrown it all out, but I didn’t.

Because things change.

And you can’t deny what you are, no matter what.  Even if it takes your world falling apart and needing to be put back together a piece at a time.  The path will always find you.

Chakra quiz

From here: http://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest.php

Root: under-active (-63%)
Sacral: under-active (-6%)
Navel: under-active (-19%)
Heart: under-active (0%)
Throat: over-active (63%)
Third Eye: open (56%)
Crown: open (44%)

Doesn’t surprise me one bit, really.  I tend to live my life in a state of disconnect of body and mind.  Not the ideal place for a pagan of any kind to be living in, but it’s who I am right now.  It will be interesting to take this quiz again at some time in the future and see if the results change.

Sacred jewellery, recent acquisitions

I have always been a collector of gemstones.  From the beginning, when I would pick them up merely because they were “pretty”, to when I was older and worked in a crystal/new age store.  That job was bad for my wallet, but I picked up a lot of great bits and pieces while I was working there.

I’ve recently acquired three stones that are relatively new to me, all in pendant form.  I’ve yet to begin working with any of them.

Ammonite

Ammonite is a stone of protection. It provides for insight and it helps to assist one in seeing the ‘whole picture.’ Gives stability to it’s user. Since it is associated with the Root Chakra, it encourages ones survival instincts and is grounding.

Believed to ease birthing pains and bring relaxation. It helps to remind us to keep breathing, due to its circular design.

(from: http://www.peacefulmind.com/stones.htm)

Chaorite

The stone of transformation. Charoite helps seeing old patterns with new possibilities. It is believed to open the heart, allow inspiration, encourage service, and grants us the ability for seeing more clearly (mentally, physically, psychically). It is believed that this stone brings about faster healing. Some find it useful for entity release work. Most effective on the upper centers of energy, which are the Heart, Brow and Crown Chakra to transmute/lift us out of troubled or stuck emotions and most of all, fear. This brings about vibrational change and therefore stimulates the Aura. Use this stone for transforming negative energies into acceptance. Use Charoite to assist in the foresight and ability to improve your intuitive vision.

This crystal is recommended for alcohol and food detoxification. This stone is said to regulate blood pressure, as well as regenerate the body in times of fatigue. Because this stone is closely related to the heart, it has historically been used to treat insomnia in adults and children. Put Charoite under your pillow, especially if you are prone to disturbed sleep or fears which come up in dreams. In combination with amethyst, it will help to release these fears. This stone treats other heart and nervous system disorders such as bi-polar and autism.

(from: http://www.peacefulmind.com/stones.htm)

Eudialyte

Eudialyte is considered a personal power stone that increases and revitalizes one’s personal power. Psychically, eudialyte helps with clairaudience, manifestation, and psychic resonance and abilities, and is a psychically protective stone. It is sometimes considered a “fine tuner”. Eudialyte is also a stone of the heart, bringing harmony of heart matters, and dispelling jealousy. As eudialyte combines pink and red, it also brings the root and heart chakras into alignment, as well as activating the heart chakra. Emotionally it is helpful for learning to trust oneself and others, and eases compulsive behavior and thinking.

(from:http://www.thejadefox.com/healing_gemstones/eudialyte.htm)

A beginning

This is a new beginning.

Where it will take me, I don’t know.  What I will find on the path, I have no idea.  This is the journey, the path.  All I know is that my feet are on it, and the road stretches on into the unknown.

A brief background:  I was raised Christian, but never baptised and rarely went to church.  When I was eighteen, I discovered Wicca, mostly through books (Scott Cunningham was a big influence then).  A friend of mine at the time discovered Wicca with me, but she went on to join a large organisation and get heavily involved there.  I remained solitary.

I self-initiated after several years of study on my own.  Slowly, I moved away from rigid practice and into a more contemplative, loosely nature-based paganism.

For many years, I didn’t walk the path at all.  My career was in science, and I found that the two didn’t mesh well in me as I was at the time.  I grew lost, and for a time, I believed that I would never find the path again.

Life moves on, and I’ve found my feet on the path again.  This time, I don’t know where it leads.  If pressed, I would call myself an eclectic pagan.  My influences are largely Celtic, though I am beginning to feel a spirituality based in this country (Australia) as well, as well as a draw to learn more about shamanic paths.